유학 연수 상담수속은

  • 에듀브릿지에세이

Essay 관련정보 보기

HOME > Essay Writing > Essay 관련정보 > 보기

제목

에세이 (교정전 Draft ---> 교정 후) 견본 - 미국 학부 준비생 에세이 견본

작성자에듀브릿지

작성일2014.07.22

조회수1,305

Essay (Draft)

 

Have you ever heard that get a job while you were still students? If you did that, how did you think about that? Nowadays, a lot of students do part-time job while they are still students. Although some people have a different opinions, I strongly believe that having job on teenager while they are still students is not good because they have many problems such as interfering with schooling, engaging in risky behavior, and ignoring about minimum age by adults.

 

Interfering with schooling

First, during school, getting a job can have problems like concentrating on study and stress. The reason is students need to solve a problem about controlling time between school study and their job. Actually, I experienced about this. When Hyemin who is my best friend in high school was high school student, she did a part-time job for 6 month during second year student. She was very smart and outgoing student before she started her job, but her action and personality changed after she got a job. She was so sleepy that she could hardly keep her eyes open and she used to be angry every day because of stress about her job and study. Of course, she could not concentrate on her study and homework; finally she got a lower grade. Why she could not focus on her school? One day, she told me about her story. She worked until too tired to do more, so she couldn’t get a high grade. I said “you need to stop doing the part-time job until vacation and only focus your school” After she stopped her job, she came back to her real.

So, students cannot control time well while they are still students because of balancing work and school.

 

Engaging in risky behavior

Second, a lot of students who want get a job hope to buy everything they want. Most of students have a mind that is good aspects such as helping their study and parents, but some students have different mind like buying drugs and alcohol. Once they get a lot of money by themselves through their job, they usually buy something they want. At this point, some students buy drugs and alcohol illegally because they were curious about adults. This is due to the fact that they can earn a lot of money themselves not receive money by their parents, and then they think themselves that we are adult. Also, students who are suffering from stress by their job can buy cigarette and more dangerous drugs. So students don’t know how to spend their money condignly.

 

Ignoring about minimum age by adults

Third, students can receive money lower than adults because they don’t know proper wave well. Some bad employer will give less money to students by taking mean advantage of a weaker opponent. In my experience, many high school friends got a less money unfairly. Bad employers gave them a lot of works more than adults; by comparison, they receive little money. So, they can get hurt easily by working in unfair work.

 

In conclusion, student can get a lot of problems by job. If you still want to work while you are student, you can do it. But I want to tell you about that you can get a job if you have enough time and strong mind. And you can do a job only during vacation! I mean you need to control yourself if you hope to do that!

But I’m still thinking that doing a job during still students is not very good because of this drawback. Thank you for reading!

 

Essay (First Correction)

 

Have you ever heard that many students are getting their jobs while they're in schools? If you've heard that, how do you think about it? Nowadays, a lot of students are having part-time jobs while they are in school. Although some people may have different opinions, I firmly believe that having jobs a job when they are teenagers and still students is not ideal because there may be many problems such as interfering with schooling, exposing to some risky behaviors, and being ignored due to their minimum ages by adults being unfairly treated by their employers.

 

Interfering with schooling

First, getting a job during school may cause some problems like not being-concentrated on study and gaining some stresses, which will interfere with a student’s study. I myself experienced this. When Sumin who is one of my best friends was a high school student, she didhad a part-time job for about five months during her 11th grade year. She was very smart and an outgoing student before she started her part-time job, but her action and personality began to be changed change just after she got a job. She would feel so sleepy in class that she could hardly keep her eyes open and she used to be angry because of the stresses between her job and study. Of course, she could not concentrate on her study properly and missed some homework; finally, she got low grades. Why she couldn’t she focus on her school? One day, she told me about her story: As she would work late at night until 11 p.m., and it made her not do her school works. So she couldn't get higher grades any more. I said to her, “You need to stop doing working the part-time job until vacation, and you need to only focus on your school". After she stopped quit her job, she came back to her real. her grades at school went up. So, it is not easy for a student to manage his/her time well if he or she has two works school jobs at the same time.

 

Engaging in risky behavior

Second, a lot of students who want to get their jobs obtain a job wish to buy something they wanted to get for same time. Most students may have their true mind on the one hand that have has good aspects in that they themselves help their own study and alleviate their parents’ burden to make money for schooling, and but, on the other hand, some students may have different thinking like buying drugs and alcohol. Once they make lots of money by themselves through their jobs, they usually buy something they want to get. At this point, some students buy drugs and alcohol illegally because they begin to think that they are adults now because they have a job, so they can buy whatever they want. This is because they can earn a lot of money by themselves without receiving money from their parents, and then they themselves think that we they are no more children but adults. Also, students who are being suffered suffer from the stress caused by their jobs can buy cigarettes and more dangerous drugs. So we need to take it  into consideration that students don't know well how to spend their money condignly.

 

Ignoring about minimum age by adults

 

Being unfairly treated by their employers

Third, students may receive less money than adults because they don't know the proper wave well wage. Some bad employers will give less money to students by taking mean advantage of a weaker opponent. In my experience, many high school friends used to earn less money unfairly. Bad employers gave them much more works but paid less than those of they paid to adults. So, they got hurt from working in an unfair working environment. For this reason, students should pay attention in this reason as well as studying and working. I think it’s too difficult to solve for students.

 

In conclusion, students may confront a lot of probable problems while working. If you still want to work while you are a student, you can do so. However, I want to recommend you that you don't consider working unless you do have a strong mind about it and do have enough time. I only want to suggest you to consider having part-time job during your vacation. I mean that if you want to have a part-time job you yourself need to be well trained enough to manage your time and mind. But, I am still thinking that having a job while in school is not very good because of this drawback.

 

Thank you.

 

 

ESSAY (Final Proofreaded)

 

Have you ever heard that many students are getting their jobs while they’re in schools? If you’ve heard that, what do you think about it? Nowadays, a lot of students have a part-time job while they are in school. Although some people may have different opinions, I firmly believe that having a job when they are teenagers and still students is not ideal because there may be many problems such as interfering with schooling, exposing to some risky behaviors, and being unfairly treated by their employers.

 

Interfering with schooling

First, getting a job during school may cause some problems like not being-concentrated on study and gaining some stresses, which will interfere with a student’s study. I myself experienced this. When Hyemin who is one of my best friends was a high school student, she had a part-time job for about five months during her 11th grade year. She was very smart and an outgoing student before she started her part-time job, but her action and personality began to change just after she got a job. She would feel so sleepy in class that she could hardly keep her eyes open, and she used to be angry because of the stresses between her job and study. Of course, she could not concentrate on her study properly and missed some homework; finally, she got low grades. Why couldn’t she focus on her school? One day, she told me her story: she would work late at night until 11 p.m. and it made her not do her school works. So she couldn't get higher grades any more. I said to her, “You need to stop working the part-time until vacation, and you need to only focus on your school” After she quit her job, her grades at school went up. So, it is not easy for a student to manage his/her time well if he or she has school jobs at the same time.

 

Engaging in risky behavior

Second, a lot of students who want to obtain a job wish to buy something they have wanted to get for same time. Most students may have their true mind on one hand that has good aspects in that they themselves help their own study and alleviate their parents’ burden to make money for schooling, but, on the other hand, some students may have different thinking like buying drugs and alcohol. At this point, some students buy drugs and alcohol illegally because they begin to think that they are adults now because they have a job, and so they can buy whatever they want. This is because they can earn a lot of money by themselves without receiving money from their parents, and then they themselves think that they are no more children but adults. Also, students who suffer from the stress caused by their job can buy cigarettes and more dangerous drugs. So, we need to take it into consideration that students don't know really how to spend their money condignly.

 

Being unfairly treated by their employers

Third, students may receive less money than adults because they don't know the proper wage. Some bad employers will pay less money to students by taking mean advantage of a weaker opponent. In my experience, many high school friends used to earn less money. Bad employers gave them much more work but paid less than they paid to adults. So, they got hurt from working in an unfair working environment. For this reason, students should pay attention in this reason as well as studying and working. I think it’s too difficult to solve for students.

In conclusion, students may confront a lot of probable problems while working. If you still want to work while you are a student, you can do so. However, I want to recommend you that you don't consider working unless you do have a strong mind about it and do have enough time. I only want to suggest you to consider having part-time job during your vacation. I mean that if you want to have a part-time job you yourself need to be well trained enough to manage your time and mind. But, I am still thinking that having a job while in school is not very good because of this drawback.

 

Thank you.


파일 다운로드 :

  • 페이스북 공유
  • 트위터 공유
  • 미투데이 공유
  • 요즘 공유
  • 인쇄하기
 
이름 : 비밀번호 : 스팸방지코드 :